I can't form the words

I have a lot of things I would like to post and share, however I can't seem to formulate my thoughts into words. I think part of me is still scared of the judgement that may follow.  I do plan to document and share my ppd journey here. I want to do this to help myself and to help other women who are also suffering. I  need to process a few things and get my jumbled thoughts to focus........

"How is everyone sleeping?"

That seems to be the standard question after the "Awww he's so cute, how old is he"   I wish I had a go to answer, but the truth is for 5 weeks I've avoided saying the word sleep out of fear that Ethan will suddenly start waking up every 2 hours.  The first week of July Ethan started sleeping through the night (STTN). Not just 5-6 hours. He was sleeping 8-10 hours!! As all moms know, the first rule of STTN is you don't talk about STTN!!! I'm only breaking the rule today because I saw way too much of that cutie in the wee hours last night.


Apparently, Ethan felt that we needed to be reminded that sleep should not be taken for granted. He woke up hungry at 11:00. I fed him and he fell right back asleep. At 11:20 he was up.   He wasn't fussy, didn't need a diaper change,  happy as can be, cheesy monkey smiles, making all sorts of I'm so excited to see you noises. Rock, crib, shuffle back to bed, rinse and repeat every 20 minutes until 1:30. I brought him to bed with me. Something pre-kids I swore I would never do! All those things we swore we would never do when we had kids are quite humorous now!

There's a slight problem with having him in bed with us. We have a full size bed. It's freakin' small!! There is barely enough room for Dan and I to sleep comfortably in it, add another person, another person who sleeps like a star fish and no one is getting any sleep.  I put Ethan on my chest/belly to make a little more room and think when did this boy get soooo big???!! I'm laying on my back, sudo propped up, with a couple extra pillows behind me and one under my shoulder to keep it from cramping. It is virtually impossible for me to sleep on my back. I'm a side slash belly sleeper to the core. I manage to drift off and Dan starts snoring next to me. Of course.  I kick him, he rolls over. I drift off and Ethan does that crazy arms legs flailing thing that babies do. I drift off, the dog starts snoring. Super.  At 3:00 I put Ethan back in his crib.

I spend the next hour waiting for him to wake.  I feel my anxiety creeping in, the same anxiety I had with Brady, the 'he's going to be up at any moment, it's not worth me falling asleep just to be woke up 10 minutes later'.  Looking back, Dan and I have realized that I had more anxiety than the typical new mom.  At 5:00 he's up again. Dans' alarm will go off in 15 minutes. Dude! It's your turn!  Dan deals with him, gets ready for work and wakes me to tell me good bye around 6:15. Brady is up at 6:40.  

So why am I sharing a long ass story of my sleepless night????? Because a few months ago a night like last night would have broke me. I would have been a crying, yelling mess. Crying because I didn't like my emotions, because I had no desire to see my children between the hours of 9 pm and 7am and felt terrible for feeling that way, and wanted to sleep for the love of all things holy!! Yelling because Dan was laying there SLEEPING while I was dealing with Ethan. I would have woken up cranky and bitchy, my moodiness would have affected Brady and we all would have had an awful day. 
Thankfully last night and this morning turned out differently.
The fact that when Brady woke me up I was able say Good Morning Big Guy with a happy tone and a smile. I was able to get him breakfast and feed the dogs with out counting down the hours to nap time. For the first time I feel like I'm becoming the mom that I have always wanted to be and that is a great feeling.

Well, I have to say it sometime....

 I've only shared this with a few individuals. Individuals who are so close to me that I know they would never judge me. Individuals who know my deepest secrets and who will take those secrets to the grave with them.  I haven't told anyone else because I did not want to be judged. I did not want looks of pity. I didn't want to hear people tell me to "just get over it".  By keeping silent, I'm adding to the stigma, so here it is: I have ppd. Postpartum Depression. I'm on medication and will remain on medication for the foreseeable future.

I felt it coming and thought I could fight it. I couldn't.  Apparently I'm not strong enough.  <---- That is the ppd talking.   I am strong enough, strong enough to admit I can't go it alone.  Strong enough to admit I can't continue like this. Strong enough to know that my boys and my husband deserve better than what I have been. They deserve the real me. Not the swallowed up, pushing everyone away, freaking the fuck out over little things me.

So, I'm on medication and I'm dealing with my issues and I'm learning to ask for help.  And so help me, if you say any form of the following I will mentally punch you in your face!  God will heal you, Have you tried natural remedies, I had thirteen-kazillion kids and never had an issue, Just be happy you have kids or ppd isn't real  are not helpful things to say to me.

December - before Christmas

Heading out to cut our own Christmas tree.

Brady thought that the snow was pretty tasty and that the tree held it at the perfect height.

Of course, it is tiring work walking through all of that snow. But Brady found a good way to see the sights, and get the tree back to the car.

Of course, after you get the tree, you need to decorate. This was the first year that Brady was able to help put up his ornaments on to the tree.

Brady was mesmerized by the candles that we use on the nativity carousel.

We went to the Jingle Rails exhibit at the Eiteljorg Museum. A room full of model trains that were running through a very elaborate series of scenery.

This scene was of downtown Indianapolis. Brady thought that the trains were really cool.

Brady thought that the snow pile was great. He could slide down the hill on his own after we put him up there.

November

In November, we went up to Wisconsin for Thankgiving.

Brady helped Grandma make some Thanksgiving turkey sugar cookies.

Brady and Adelaide got matching moose pj's. After five attempts at getting them to sit on the steps and get a picture, this was a close as we got to a picture with both of them.

Brady having fun with the slide. He thought it was hilarious to have moose go down the slide.

We also went to a nice Christmas parade in Grafton. It was a bit on the chilly side, but that couldn't keep Brady from stylin' with his monkey hat and shades.

October (part 2)

Before we carved pumpkins, Brady wanted to play some catch.


Brady wasn't real sure about cleaning out the pumpkin, but once he got a spoon he was pretty happy.

Now his method of carving the pumpkin was a little on the unconventional side.

Zoo Boo was fun, and Brady loved wearing his monkey costume.

He sort of understood the concept of trick-or-treating, but mostly just liked the candy part.